Overwhelmed

I'm doing pretty well with the goals I set for myself in January. I've started using a few cloth diapers (purchased locally), I'm involved in my Mom2Mom group regularly, attending church regularly, attended a few vegan meet ups and I'm even hosting a meet up this week. I feel great.... right? Ehh. Depends when you catch me. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. I try not to commit myself to more than a couple things a week, but even what sounds fine at first starts to give me anxiety when it's coming up. For example this week I have lunches Tues and Wed, then Mom2Mom on Thurs morning. No big deal for most, but for some reason it makes me sweat.

I'm really trying to fight this nature of mine to just hibernate. I don't know where this feeling of wanting to just stay home comes from, but it gets stronger as I get older.

The Cake

So I knew it would happen sooner or later. The dreaded first birthday party of a friends child. Where the cake.......   is not vegan. GASP! I knew there would come a day when Kellen would have to experience either disappointment and a tantrum at being diverted from the lovely cake as everyone else ate it or I would have to cave and just let the kid have some stinkin' cake. Mark (my husband) and I discussed ahead of going and of course since he is not vegan he said "I don't think I can go and not have cake. Kellen will want cake when we are all eating it. I say we let him have some." I was thinking the same thing, so we went in knowing that we would just let him have some of Mark's cake. The party was fun and so much more relaxing since I wasn't dreading the cake the entire time. I even had a piece of the cake myself. In the past I would have felt guilty and punished myself for such a thing. I've come to accept that I'm human, I love cake, and the only person who really cares what I eat.... is me. The vegan police are not coming to take away my membership card. One day at a time and one decision at a time is the only way to proceed.

Progress

So I went to my Mom2Mom group today. I'm very proud of myself for getting up before Kellen to get my shower as motivation. Kellen cried briefly when I put him with the other kids and I kept waiting for them to come get me, but they never did. When the time was over and I went and got him, HE WASN'T EVEN CRYING OR RED FACED!! Huge progress. The ladies said he did much better today and was upset on and off, but still much better. I prayed this morning that Kellen would do well and that I would be open to the other Moms and that they be open to me. All of that is exactly what happened. I socialized some and I even went up to the food table! Okay not a big deal for some, but for me it's drastic! Being vegan there is always the fear of going up to the food table and coming back with an empty plate because there was not one thing I would want to eat. This actually happened to me at a wedding and another person at the table made a huge deal about it, which only made my fear worse. She kept saying "Well, you are obviously hungry because you went up there." UGH......  So now a lot of times I skip those potentially awkward moments and just start out saying I already ate. However, today I saw a bowl of fruit up there and knew I could at least get that to fit in while everyone else ate. So I followed a girl from my table up and got a small bowl of fruit so I could be all normal while the rest of the table ate and socialized. Look at me fitting in. I say this because I never feel like I fit in. I usually feel like the weird, awkward, quiet, vegan girl. Then at vegan events I never feel "vegan enough" to fit in. Now that I'm almost 3 years vegan it's getting better because I have more knowledge, but still I have some kind of outsider complex that I don't understand. All I can do is work to be better at it and today was a big step for me.

Resolutions

I don't like to make NY resolutions. At least I don't like to call them that. So I will just call them resolutions for my life going forward. I have a lot currently and I think it's good to be trying to bettering yourself all the time. Here we go with my list: Switch to cloth diapers, shop more at local small businesses, participate more in communities that are important to me (vegan & christian), be more involved in helping in those communities, be more open to people, watch less tv (especially when Kellen is awake) and be more patient. Quite a laundry list, but I'm hopeful that I can make progress on it. I do have to say that once I have baby 2 I'm pretty sure all bets will be off and I will be holed up in my house for at least 3 months ignoring the outside world. I'm really okay with that even if it doesn't fit into my list of resolutions. I think it's important to focus on the baby's schedule and trying to rest and heal those first couple of months.

Today I found myself in a position to work on one of my resolutions. I needed a gift for a 1 year olds birthday party this weekend. I thought "perfect! There is a locally owned toy store one town north." I checked their hours and I was golden, so up I headed. Well, I have to say it wasn't the small town store feel I had hoped for. Clearly they don't expect many customers on a Wednesday afternoon. There were huge boxes littering their already tiny store, so it was kind of scary for me carrying Kellen around trying to get through. Not one of the several employees I saw greeted me at any time or even acknowledged my existence as their one and only customer at the time. I briefly wondered if I was invisible, but I'm pretty sure they couldn't miss me fumbling around with a 1 year old. I did find a cute gift that I probably wouldn't have found at a large department store. It was a cute little pony purse that I'd have loved when I was a little girl. However, when I went to pay the lady at the counter seemed irritated to put her binder away and say to me "Are you all ready?". Ummm yeah lady that's the idea when I put my item on the counter and got out my wallet. Maybe she'd have noticed if she bothered to look up at me. After I paid and got in the car all I could think was "I could have gone to Wal-Mart and gotten that kind of service." So disappointing to say the least, but everyone has a bad day right? Maybe they should just close on Wednesday to restock and do the books or whatever she was working on. Anyways I will not let this detour me from my local shopping adventures! I shall not I say!

Next up is going to a Mom 2 Mom group meetup at the church tomorrow as part of my getting involved more in community and being more open to people. It's a big step for me if I actually go because the friend I usually go with isn't going. Plus I have anxiety about leaving Kellen in the day care they provide because, well, how do I say this.... I'm neurotic about my baby.. yes that's really the only way to say it. I have anxiety about leaving him with anyone that isn't a grandparent or aunt. I've done it a couple of times so far this year at Mom 2 Mom and Church and so far he hates it and typically doesn't last very long, but Mark (my husband) and I agree it's good for him (and me). He should get to the point that he can socialize and play with kids his age. I am trying to tell myself I will not skip tomorrow, I will not skip tomorrow. He will be fine, I will be fine. Oh Lord. I feel the urge to skip it creeping in. Ahhhhhh.... We'll see how it goes in the morning. I'll be sure to update my crazy Momma status.